This list is things I'd really like to say to customers that call for tech support on their video game systems.

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"No, you didn't follow the troubleshooting steps on our website.  If you did, you'd be playing video games right now.  I guarantee you missed a step, and I guarantee that step was 'unplug the adapter from both ends'.  You would also know that 'test it with a voltmeter' is not one of the steps."

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"Put your parents on the phone NOW.  You can't even pronounce the word "router". Talking you through the process of logging into one to unicorn with the settings is only going to end badly.  Probably only for me, because chances are your parents are spank-deprived wimps who think self-esteem comes from negotiating terms with a five year old."

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"You want more information about the upcoming software titles announced at E3?  Great.  Check out the press releases, websites, forums, magazine and newspaper articles, YouTube videos, and TV shows that are endlessly regurgitating that information.  But this is tech support - we are at the polar opposite end of the spectrum.  You don't call a paramedic for updates on the cure for cancer."

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(in flawless Spanish) "I am very sorry, but I do not speak Spanish.  This is why we have a Spanish line.  Yes, I know there's a longer wait on that line.  Yes, I know you hate long waits.  Guess what?  I hate having to repeat everything I say ten times, in increasingly more broken and simplified English, hoping that I finally find one of the 17 English words you know."

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"Put your parents on the phone NOW.  There is no way you are old enough to own a credit card.  And sore throats don't make you sound like you're six."

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"I don't care what the internet or 'the guy at Gamestop' told you, ma'am, there is no recall, and this is not a common problem.  The guy at Gamestop makes a hair above minimum wage, and the lion's share of his training is "stacking boxes in alphabetical order" and "operating a barcode gun".  He's about as familiar with this problem as a McDonalds employee is with cattle ranching.  Also, as a hobby, he shares his video game console 'expertise' on the internet.  Do you see a pattern yet?"

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"Please, tell me more of this magical language you speak, where Wireless Mode, MAC ID and Default WEP are all synonyms for model number."

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"Attention fanboy: the fact that you have dedicated every aesthetic in your life to the main character of that game franchise, is a pretty clear indication that the company knows what it's doing.  Your marketing advice, therefore, is both irrelevant and ironic.  Also, your video game idea is great - it was great when this company already made that game a decade ago.  Also, stop using the word 'you' when you mean 'the game company' - I only work the phones here, I don't 'invent video games'.  It is people like you that are driving folks in droves towards the casual gaming scene."

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"There has to be at least one room in your house that doesn't have 14 screaming people in it.  Could you please go into that room so we can hear each other?"

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"See, here's what's funny about serial numbers, sir - the vast majority of people we talk to can still read theirs, sometimes even after years of owning the system.  Your beloved crotch-fruit, therefore, has obviously put this allegedly two-month old system through hell, so I am not the least bit surprised it doesn't turn on any more.  Yes, I said allegedly.  You didn't register the system, you threw out the box, and hell if you know where the receipt went.  Good luck proving me wrong."

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"Yeah, I know the guy at Gamestop said that problem would be covered when he sold you the extended warranty.  He also told me Geist was a good puzzle game.  And my last customer actually fell for the old 'this replacement adapter won't void your warranty' trap.  We've all been burned one way or another by those dicks."

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"Put your child on the phone NOW.  Your utter incompetence is turning a very simple troubleshooting process into a Three Stooges skit."

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"There's a reason it comes with an instruction manual, ma'am.  Try reading it before calling for a one-on-one seminar about the system's features.  While I explain to you the subtle nuances of 'Press Button To Continue', there's three people with real problems sitting through poo pooty hold music.  Okay, so only one of them has real problems, the other two are trying to get free repairs on toilet-dipped handhelds, but still, the point remains."

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"Let me make sure I have this straight - the system won't read your games, but otherwise turns on and works fine.  So, uh... Why exactly do you think we would need the charger?"

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"I'm not writing a book, lady.  Just tell me what's wrong with the system so we can troubleshoot it.  If I need to know the relative who gifted it, the store it came from, the games you bought for it, the brand of carrying case it was lovingly bounced around in, the sibling rivalry that going without the system will spark, or, Stell forbid, the theories presented to you by the guy at Gamestop regarding the cause of this issue, I will be sure to ask.  Please note that I will never ask you what the guy at Gamestop said.  NEVER."

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"You installed a hacked OS and a poo poo-ton of unlicensed third-party accessories on your system, so you could play ROMs and use cheat devices not designed by this company.  You're damn right you're paying for this repair.  If I were you, I'd take whomever gave you that bad advice to court to recoup the loss.  Be sure to call me so I can watch - I've always wanted to see the internet as a defendant."

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"I'm not entirely certain how you thought we were going to be able to troubleshoot your system while you're driving.  What I do know is, you probably shouldn't be trying it with your children in the car.  Hang up now or I am calling the police.  Yes, I know that bright young fellow at Gamestop told you to call us - I just don't think he meant as soon as you leave the store."

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"Put your parents on the phone NOW.  Even if this particular problem was covered under the warranty - and I can assure you it is not - you aren't going to be able to sign for a UPS delivery until you learn both how to write in cursive, and how to spell your own name.  Ponder long and hard on this, the next time you want to see if your portable gaming device can float."

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"I'm not calling you a liar, sir, I just think that if you're going to call tech support, you should have the system hooked up so we can troubleshoot, or at the very least, be in the same house as it."

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"I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that your family doctor did not specifically tell you to buy your 'special needs' child a video game system.  Even if he did, I am skeptical that he recommended the top of the line, most expensive one.  And while I feel your pain, at the excruciating couple of weeks of screaming and fits you'll have to endure, as we repair the damage your unusually strong seven year old has done, perhaps now is the time to consider the advantages of a cheaper, easier to replace, equally bright-and-shiny legacy system."

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"If you buy a car, and crash it into a telephone pole two blocks away, the dealer is not going to give you another car.  So you cracking the screen three days after purchase is not going melt my heart.  This is why God invented wrist straps."

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"Yeah, I heard that story too, but consider this: Wal-Mart has, by far, one of the most half-assed return policies on the planet.  Their employees are the textbook definition of apathy.  Isn't it far more likely that they accepted a fraudulent return on a box full of gravel?  Oh, right, the box was sealed shut when you bought it - case closed.  Wherever would an unscrupulous scam artist get packing tape?  It's not like they sell it at Wal-Mart or anything."

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"Put your parents on the phone NOW.  You've done nothing wrong yet, it's just that if I have to hear 'ummmmmm' one more time, I'm going to involuntarily teach you words that will make your parents ground you for a whole day."

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"No, ma'am, just read me your favorite numbers YES I NEED THE WHOLE SERIAL NUMBER!!!"

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"The warranty is there just in case something happens during the manufacturing process.  It isn't there to protect you from your job as a parent.  Perhaps 'expensive electronics' are not the best gift to give a child, who sees every open slot as a potential hiding place for spare change and unwanted snack crackers."

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"Hello, guy at Gamestop, we finally meet.  Did you run into an issue your boundless genius couldn't solve?  That's nice.  Now call the retail support line.  Didn't they cover that in your fifteen minutes of training?  Yeah, retailers have their own support line.  Oh, you're calling for a customer of yours?  Tell them to call us back when they get home."

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"You know what, smart-ass?  Don't put your parents on the phone.  I'll just call them myself when my shift is over, and tell them about your amusing little prank call.  They will also be billed for the time and resources you wasted.  Don't worry about giving me the number, I already have it.  Caller ID is a wonderful thing."

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you forgot

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, EAT MY poo poo AND SMILE AT ME!"

Quote from: Zap It, Li'l Laser Ape on 19-06-2009, 00:59:24 AM

wahhh I have a poo poo job and blame other people for my poo poo life

Well, that made no sense whatsoever.

you forgot

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, EAT MY poo poo AND SMILE AT ME!"

I wouldn't say that on the phone, I'd say that directly to the guy at Gamestop's face.

he's not a very happy boy after all

Clearly this was misread by some of you as 'bitching' and not 'satire'.  Allow me to clarify that I love my job, and that this is me poking fun at stupid people - a proud internet tradition.

a list?? more like a+ list

I, for one, thought this was a great read.

a list?? more like a+ list

I, for one, thought this was a great read.

Thanks!

tbh I don't find this funny at all

read it until you laugh

I tried that too, nothing seems to work.

Help me out here guys !!!!

read it backwards. It was too long for me so I just assume it's silly

I can buy that, Diss.  "The guy at Gamestop" and "Put your parents on the phone" are office in-jokes for the most part.  In fact, most of this is inside humor of a sort.  Clearly, not everyone is going to bust a gut over it.

Sounds like talking to my stepmom.

Except she is more aggravating.