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My Full Moon Marathon
 
ZMannZilla
#1 26-09-2010, 16:22:58 PM
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I'm currently on my third of a five-movie Full Moon Marathon.  I've just watched Dollman and Demonic Toys, now I'm watching Puppet Master (I've seen it before which is why I'm taking a break to update you all.  I'm always thinking of you.)  Later, I'll be qualified enough to watch Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys and Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys.

The main things I've noticed that these movies have in common (aside from the absolute pinnacle of mid-80's rubber puppet technology and characters that swear like Chris Penn with Tourettes) is that the protagonists are always horrible at whatever it is they do for a living.

In Dollman, Tim Thomerson (of Trancers and Cherry 2000 "fame") plays Brick Bardo, a "Dirty Harry" style policeman from the planet Arturus.  At the start of the movie, we learn that he's been suspended due to a "bloodbath incident", and yet cops and SWAT team still let him walk, alone and unsupervised, into a hostage crisis, armed with, and I quote, "the most powerful handgun in the universe".  This handgun blows HUGE chunks off of anything it hits, and yet Bardo has less than a 50% "to-hit" ratio with the damn thing - even after he gets to Earth, and all his enemies are now, literally, the size of the broad side of a barn.  Oh yeah, the plot of the movie is that Bardo's race is only like a foot tall by human standards.

In Demonic Toys, an arms deal goes bust when the protagonist (another cop) and her partner/boyfriend/babby-daddy shoot an unarmed perp in the face (the movie even went to great lengths to point out that the only gun the victim was carrying had no clip in it). This gets babby-daddy a one-way trip to the Gray Void, and the pregnant cop (who has an even worse to-hit rate than Dollman, probably because she's a pregnant woman trying to run in heels) chases the bad guys into a toy storage warehouse.  This leads to events (many of which were also highly avoidable by the protagonists - including an alcoholic security guard) that unleash a damn demon.  Towards the beginning, the cop gets trapped in a room, because the door locks.  Her first solution is to break a window and shout at the street, and her second solution is to fire her gun at a wall and hope someone hears it.  Keep in mind that not ten minutes ago, she watched the perp shoot a lock off another door, and the currently locked door has a window in it.

Then, in Puppet Master, an entire team of "professional psychics" go into a haunted hotel and spend the majority of the film doing two things: screwing around with their guard down and not finding psychic phenomena until after it lodges something in their neck.  Keep in mind that the crossover films establish that, in this universe, supernatural phenomena is even more common, and more provable (with actual evidence, dead bodies, etc etc etc).  The Ghost Hunters would have found those little poo poos exactly five minutes after setting up their first camera, with one, maybe two dead bodies tops, probably because they wouldn't have been busy having blindfolded bondage sex while on the job.

So, in summary, I believe that I have proven that the artistic merit of these films is undeniable.  Please, by all means, go out and watch these brilliant parables, which teach us that the only thing saving us from certain death at the hands of unnatural forces, is being good at what we do.  Let us all be WINNER enough to learn this.


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Dissident
#2 26-09-2010, 16:42:23 PM
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ZMannZilla
#3 26-09-2010, 17:50:20 PM
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Which is why that isn't your job.


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"Yeah, let’s bring back the Attitude Era…so we can see Shawn Michael’s anus while they shill toys." -RD Reynolds
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