As I recall, I promised to tell you all some stories about stuff that happened when I was working at the porn store.  Couple of things that are important to know when reading these stories:

1. This particular store was the K-Mart of sex accessories.  Every brand of lubricant imaginable, every silicon replica of genitals ever made, a full line of costumes, and the best selection of S&M and edible attire available in a store which also sells pornography.  And before Dissident even asks, the vibrating tentacles are by the south corner, next to a rack of "Urotsuki Doji" DVDs that are on sale.

2. Dissident was our best customer.  Nah, just playing.  It was actually REX.  I sold him TWO male reproductive organ used for procreation within a species pumps.

3. Sometimes I'll embellish the facts to make things funnier, but usually I won't have to.  For example, REX is not actually a regular, and he's not the person I sold two male reproductive organ used for procreation within a species pumps to.  In reality, it was one of my graphic design clients.

4. I won't be using any real names.  If a person's actual name is used here, it is either a joke or a coincidence.

5. Most importantly, this location had two theaters in it.  In case you weren't aware, XXX theaters are the traditional social forum of homo erectilus, otherwise known as the North American Dirty Old Man.  These places also have a subculture all their own, that you are better off not knowing about.

6. I will be discussing them, so if that sort of thing makes you go all yucky, now is your cue to exit.  Beyond this point, anything you read will be your fault.

7. That being said, I will only use graphic descriptions when it's absolutely necessary.

First story to follow in the next post...

this is going to be a good thread

"IT DOESN'T SAY..."

This balding guy in a trenchcoat is hunched over the discount videotape bin for, like, an hour.  I swear to you, there's no more than 15 minutes of browsing in that damn rack, this stuff is absolute garbage, like 80's softcore Skinimax crap and artsy-fartsy Playboy photo shoot videos (on actual video mind you).

Eventually, all I want to do is get rid of this guy.  "Can I help you find something, sir?" I ask naively.

The man looks up.  "It doesn't say.  On the box."

"Excuse me, sir?" I ask.  My second mistake thus far.

"It doesn't say what the movie is about."

I look at the box he has clutched in his hands.  The title is "San Francisco Lesbians #23" or some crap like that, and features two buck-naked bony women on the cover groping each other.

"Well, sir," I say, "Judging by the title, I'd say it's based on the play by Shakespeare."

He put the box down and left the store.

THE TRAINING VIDEO
So my buddy comes walking into the store, and sees me immediately.  "Hey, Z," he shouts, "Just got out of boot camp, leaving for Iraq in two days, and I just wanted to say hi to you real quick!"

"Dude!  Good to see you again!" I say, "I'm a bit busy at the moment, unless... Hey, do you want to be in a video?  It'll only take like, ten minutes."

"Uh..."

I think I forgot to mention that his visit corresponded with the time I was allotted to shoot a training video for the store.

Anyways, he's a bit confused, but he agrees.  "Awesome," I say, "Put this hat on.  Your line is 'Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find the vibrating rubber fist?'"

In this scene, we're learning how not to be judgmental of the customers.  Our white female employee is playing the classic "Goofus" in this example, and her response is to scrunch her nose, awkwardly explain that she's not into that sort of thing, and therefore has no idea where said item was located.  Then my army buddy becomes awkward himself, and eventually leaves the store.  Our black male employee, on the other hand, takes on the "Gallant" role, doing it right by simply responding "Yes, they're right over here", walks the man over, and hands him the product he's looking for.  The army buddy now thanks the clerk for being helpful, and proceeds to the register to make his purchase.  My army buddy is cool with doing all of this, while wearing a leather hat and trenchcoat.

At no point did I ask him to do it in a German accent, nor did I give him the line "Hans will be very pleased with me."  He improvised those.

"IT DOESN'T SAY..."

This balding guy in a trenchcoat is hunched over the discount videotape bin for, like, an hour.  I swear to you, there's no more than 15 minutes of browsing in that damn rack, this stuff is absolute garbage, like 80's softcore Skinimax crap and artsy-fartsy Playboy photo shoot videos (on actual video mind you).

Eventually, all I want to do is get rid of this guy.  "Can I help you find something, sir?" I ask naively.

The man looks up.  "It doesn't say.  On the box."

"Excuse me, sir?" I ask.  My second mistake thus far.

"It doesn't say what the movie is about."

I look at the box he has clutched in his hands.  The title is "San Francisco Lesbians #23" or some crap like that, and features two buck-naked bony women on the cover groping each other.

"Well, sir," I say, "Judging by the title, I'd say it's based on the play by Shakespeare."

He put the box down and left the store.

our newest member at the time of this writing is shakespearefan65. he'd be most delighted to discuss frisco lesbos #23 with you

MAKING SIGNS WHILE BORED
Working first shift at a 24 hour bookstore results in long periods of boredom.  Nobody's in the store, you've already straightened all the boxes and mopped as much as you can.  The morning theater crowd is off keeping itself entertained, and won't be out to whine about the coffee machine being broken for at least a couple of hours.  I found lots of ways to fill this time.

One day, I decided I was going to make a whole bunch of weird signs and just hang them everywhere.  I don't remember most of them, but here are the ones I do remember.

On the door leading into the first theater, there was a "No Smoking" sign.  I hung a "No Pets" sign underneath it.

In the hallway leading to the men's bathroom, there was this empty shelf.  We never put anything on them, they were just there from whatever the building was before it was an adult bookstore.  So I hung a sign over it that said "SALE: Invisible Vibrators are now 50% Off!  Invisible Batteries Not Included".

A sign I taped on the case with the edible panties in it: "Sorry! We are out of BBQ flavored.  We apologize for any inconvenience."

A sign I taped on the case with the S&M clothing & accessories in it: "FREE SPANKING with purchase!"

I imagine a vibrating rubber fist would be useful for kneading dough when making bread.

I am highly amused. Do continue, my good man.

And before Dissident even asks, the vibrating tentacles are by the south corner, next to a rack of "Urotsuki Doji" DVDs that are on sale.

Hilarious stuff, I look forward to more.  Training video is probably the best thus far.

Oh and if this gets pinned it's a crime against humanity.

great topic 10/10

if this was SA i'd rate ur thread a 5

 

This topic is a prime example of why we should have something like SA's goldmine.

KEEP EM COMING Z-BRO

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Oh and if this gets pinned it's a crime against humanity.

??? CONFUSED ???

Now I'm hungry for edible panties :(

But they are out of BBQ flavoured