Minority Report
Ragdoll physics do more for this game than realtime terrain deformation did for Red Faction, yet this game manages to be slightly worse.

How can you go wrong with a game based on a hit movie starring Tom Cruise? A complex and difficult combat system, short and uninspired levels, and a distinct lack of Tom Cruise seal the deal. Minority Report takes place in an Orwellian future in which crimes are predicted before they happen. The main character (supposedly played by Tom Cruise) is at the head of the PreCrime department, but a computer glitch causes him to be framed as a murder suspect, ultimately leading to him single-handedly fighting the whole police department, meanwhile trying to prove his innocence. It sounds like a great movie, and an even better idea for a video game. Unfortunately, a limited budget and limited time caused this game to fade from the limelight almost as soon as it was released.

The first problem is that the studio couldn't get likeness rights for Tom Cruise (he doesn't work cheap). So instead, the main character is a sunken-faced skinhead with a generic, video game-ish voice. At first, I was actually wondering when I would get to the main part of the game, as it seemed like I wasn't playing as the main character. (This game isn't the only one with this problem. See: Enter The Matrix) Once the player gets over that detail, a million more little flaws make themselves clear. For starters, the combat system takes some getting used to. The controls (which can't be changed) include such strange anomalies as pressing X (the main button) to punch, Square (one of the secondary buttons) to kick, and Triangle (the button on the top of the controller) to jump. Circle, the button used for blocking, is also used to pick up and throw enemies, which bounce around with satisfying ragdoll physics. It bears a striking resemblence to the Spiderman movie-based video game. In fact, the same two companies made this game. This coupled with the strange control system lead the player to believe that there are no guns in this game, when in fact there are. One of the most famous features of Minority Report (the movie) was the Concussion Rifle, a sort of projectile stun gun that works with sound waves. In the game, this gun only holds about 25 "bullets", which get used up within seconds, leaving the player to punch and kick through the rest of the level. In fact, most levels don't even start you off with a gun, so your only defense is to do Matrix-style flying kicks at your enemies. Are flimsy attacks not enough? The designers of this game also decided to throw in enemies with rolling pins, fat mall cops that give you bear hugs, giant unstoppable robots, and Lexus ads all over everything (gotta love product placement).

In the end, Minority Report was a cheaply made commercial failure with only one cool feature. Not even diehard fans of the movie would appreciate it, especially considering it's easier to pick up and play a run-of-the-mill first person shooter than this mess.

Bishoujo Janshi Suchie-Pai roughly translated means "Hot Girl Janshi". Janshi is kind of like Japanese go-fish played for money. This game is one of only two known "pornographic" video games available for the Super Nintendo. However, is it really pornographic, or is it just another scam to prey on ignorant westerners like Doukyuusei 2? Let's find out.

You start off with a main menu. It says "press start", but pressing the Start button doesn't do anything. You have to plug in a second controller first. Isn't one controller enough? Almost the entire game is played using the second controller. Why can't it just use one controller?

You can select one of three areas to explore, although movement is limited to just clicking around. The first area is Tokyo, so why would you want the other two? There are six places you can go, which look like some government building, a rooftop pool, a police station, a strip club, a hospital, and an office building. To me that says lawyers, naked girls, hot cops, hookers, nurses, and secretaries.

Let's try the city hall. Here's this girl in a bathing suit. Japan must have a lot of money to put swimming pools in their government buildings. But are you ready for the really fun part? Nothing can prepare you for what is to come.

Janshi! The Japanese tile game that they play all too often in casinos and other such locations. I guess that's what's so "adult" about this video game. Gambling! Oh, the horrors! So, here's what you do: You get a turbo controller and hold down the button for 30 seconds or so. Then, you are presented with a screen that essentially says that you lose. I'd say I did pretty good for someone who doesn't speak any Japanese or know how to play janshi. So, after losing you sort of respawn back in the center of town, with five remaining locations.

At the pool, there's some girl wearing a rather conservative swimsuit. Is this a rec center? Next is the hospital. Now we see some girl that doesn't even look like a nurse. The quaker outfit doesn't belong in a Japanese video game. In the strip club, I see a waist-up drawing of a fake blonde wearing an ugly pastel red outfit.

Now let's try the office building. Presently it seems like I'm getting somewhere. It looks like there's a girl cornered in a locker room or a closet, and she's wearing some slutty outfit. Unfortunately she just wants to play janshi. Maybe that's how you get laid in Japan. In a world where city halls have heated swimming pools, it may very well require gambling skills to get laid.

Graphics: 6/10

The hand-drawn artwork looks rather bland.

Gameplay: 8/10

It's not strip-janshi because nobody strips, but at least the game isn't completely broken.

Sprung! The Dating Game is a European dating sim for the DS. On the box, it says "The game where everybody scores". But you don't score. This is the game where everybody loses. After hours of clicking around on microscopic buttons, all you see is a "do not disturb" sign. The male character looks like Marty McFly, who is apparently attracted to the female character. I don't get it. Her big ugly mouth looks like a hooker who just finished with her Viagra-pumped African-American pimp, and nothing below the waist is ever in frame. All we get is her carefully drawn cleavage. The lead artist must have been obsessed with boobs, which baffles me because I thought this game was made in England. Also in this game are one-sided "conversations" between the person you're talking to and a brick wall. By a brick wall, I mean the player. Given how you can choose from at most four responses, it sucks how only one of them is the "right answer". If one was the wrong answer, why was it in the list?

This game seems to depend heavily on its complete lack of storyline. In a nutshell, the hooker bitch you play as is at some lodge that looks like it's right out of The Shining. She's there because her ex-boyfriend cheated on her and she just can't take that kind of emotional drama. Boo hoo. Marty McFly looks just like Marty McFly, which completely distracts from anything he has to say.

Overall, I give this game 0/10