Hey mister,

I've been trying to grow a beard for a few years because, as we all know, a beard is the epitome of manliness. Alas, my girly body just isn't up to the task and the best I can grow amount to a few sad hair follicles.

So my question is this: do you know of any substance I can rub on my baby-face that would transform it from pitiful to bad-assful? Note: already tried bear blood, didn't work??

Q: Do you know of any substance I can rub on my baby-face that would transform it from pitiful to bad-azzful?

A: There have been experiments performed to stimulate beard growth.  A member of the BeardBoard forums documented a month-long experiment he did with Rogaine (http://jefffsbeardboard.yuku.com/topic/862/Rogaine-Experiment?page=1) and the consensus there was that in addition to the beard he grew, he also got some unexpected tufts of hair on his chest, back, ass and arms.  So, no down sides there.

There are also people who claim that rubbing pubic hair and/or semen all over your face promotes beard growth, as it directs the various hormones, testosterones, etc. to the area you want to grow hair to.  These people are raging perverts.

BeardBoard forums

My browser crashed because it couldn't handle the testosterone.

Um yeah, also tried that semen thing a couple of times...