Most  ever

YOU'RE WINNER !

story

Thank you for bumping this topic. I can now have the pleasure of reading through it.

this should be an animated series

QUALITY CONTROL: YOUR PORN DON'T HAS IT

Most folks can agree that pornography is simply an excuse to watch other people have the kind of sex you'd like to be having.  Some people like a bit more intellectual fare, and want plots and scenarios, role-play fantasies that they can insert their minds and really get into whatever flimsy excuse the people on screen have for porking.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, are the porn addicts.  They are the equivalent of the alcoholic who buys Thunderbird or Mad Dog 20/20 - flavor and frills are not their thing, they just need to see sex, over and over again, and they can't watch the same scene twice.  These folks are the reason that the 8 Hour porno compilation was invented.

These tapes contain, as implied, eight hours of grainy video, taped in EP format to further sacrifice quality for quantity. They primarily feature scenes filmed in hotel rooms and basements, by "producers" who own exactly one camera and zero lights.  The sound quality is absolute poo poo, which is good, because then you can't make out exactly what it is the "producer" is directing the "talent" to do.  The guys on screen often can't maintain an erection, either due to a drug addiction or the fact that the girl they're sexing it to has applied about a half inch of makeup to her face, in a desperate attempt to make herself look like a 5.

These tapes are the reason we posted "NO REFUNDS" signs about every six feet, in the vain hope that the people who buy those hunks of crap can actually read.

It is of course futile, and so every once in a while, someone will try and return a tape because "it had a scene from another tape on it" (seriously, one repeated 20-minute scene in an eight-hour tape, and they feel like they got ripped off), "the people in it are nasty" (eight hours of porn for $14, when we sell 90-minute name brand tapes for $30+, yeah no poo poo the people are nasty), and "there's a scene on the cover that wasn't on the tape" (of all the things about this tape lacking quality control, you're bitching about the cover?).

However, there was one time in particular that I was almost tempted to give the refund, if only because I truly felt sorry for the guy.

He comes in with his bag, receipt in hand, looking none too pleased with our store.  "I want to return this garbage," he says, handing me the tape without even waiting for me to respond.

"Well, sir, we don't..." I start, but he cuts me off.  "Yeah, I know, I read the signs.  But this is bullpoo poo.  I'll take an exchange, but I ain't keeping that video."

I look at the cover.  Standard eight-hour crapola, but it's from this company that makes "themed" compilations.  The theme, in this case, is "cream pies".  If you're unfamiliar with the concept, it's basically when a guy ejaculates inside a woman, and then she squirts the ejaculate out of her cooch.  Often, though, this is fake, especially with the cheaper tapes, and the "semen" is actually a thick, white substance that looks more like a cross between condensed milk and pus from an infected zit.  I figured, the guy was upset because of the fake-looking jizz, but it was worth asking just to be sure.  "What exactly is it about this tape that you consider 'bullpoo poo', sir?"

"See those two ladies on the cover?  They're only in one scene.  The rest of the tape is just normal sex.  I didn't pay for that."

I left out an important detail, which haunts me to this day:

On the cover of this "cream pies" tape, were two GIGANTIC women, easily 300+ pounds a piece.  Each had one knee on a toilet, kneeling, looking coyly over their shoulders at the camera.  The bottoms of their feet were literally black with dirt.  The cover of the tape implied that the tape was eight hours of women, of this general size and (VERY busted) appearance, squirting each other in the face with cream pies - which would be most certainly fake, given the complete lack of man-sausage anywhere on the box art.

He didn't get his refund, and he never came back.

 

ewwwww

did the store have a fancy neon OPEN sign or was it cardboard?

did the store have a fancy neon OPEN sign or was it cardboard?

It had a cheap poo pooty OPEN neon sign out front, and a needlessly big "OPEN 24 HOURS" neon sign in the parking garage.  We also posted weekly specials on a sandwich board near the entrance of the driveway.

I lol'd heartily, thank you my good raconteur

If dissident worked there he wouldn't have even made the old men pay

I can't deny it, I have a soft spot for flaccid dick

I lol'd heartily, thank you my good raconteur

First time I've seen that word put to use 

I aim to please